I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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