Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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