Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
