It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I deserve to be covered in dicks
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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