tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
