Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
