he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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