I accidentally burped into my bong.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
