If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
