It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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