i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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