I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
