Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
