she smelled like a LAN party
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize