The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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