I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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