I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
So. Much. Porn.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
