i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
