i permit you to call me
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
