every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
