I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
