so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
