I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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