I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
