At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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