I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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