There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
