well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
