the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
