i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
