Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
