Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
