I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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