He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I love you. Go after that dick
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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