If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Randomize
