I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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