please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
How long until YT realizes that it's a man?
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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