You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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