So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
