I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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