You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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