I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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