Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
