You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
