you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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