Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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