I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
