he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
