I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
