I think im going to throw up on grandma
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
