I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
