I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
