Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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