omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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