I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
