we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
