dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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