I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Randomize
