I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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